Fashion Trend of the Big Bootied Cavewoman and What you Can DO To Prevent It.

            Some thing came to my attention the other day walking through the campus of UC Berkeley.  This campus and the rest of North America is facing one of the worst fashion mishaps known to man. The same asshole that started up the 80s Sammy Hagar rocker demographic probably started up this horrible fashion trend. Think of emotional damage your children will experience seeing their mother immersed in that fecal matter you like to refer to as fashion in the photo album. 

            There are many things that your chromosomally challenged abb is not taking into account in your sadomasistic fashion behavior. Clearly you are raping Eskimo culture without paying proper retribution to all of the hunter and gatherers that currently haven’t been paved over. In addition, the deer, fox and whale used to make your shoes are made out of are declining to accommodate your pant crapping fashion taste. You might say that is cow leather. Sure, believe the lies. Remember, the people that agree with you are as effed up as you because they are willing to be seen in the same fashions made for cavemen.

            I mean where did this trend come out of? I know there have been there for a couple of worst fashion trends around. The favorite ones of mine was the short lived white trash rocker and the “Hi I dress Australian because I saw Crocodile Dundee twice,” trend. This shit has to take the cake however. Short of making a body suit of duct tape, rancid meat and crap you’re not gunna find an iller advised fashion trend.

            At least switch your wardrobe a little from the half club girl and bush woman. Perhaps if you want to dress like your last 12 meals were seal maybe the other 90% of your outfit should show this too. Currently you are rocking the yah, I know the top half says I’m all go go dancer but the bottom half of my outfit lets you know I’m still reppin the Yukon.  

            I mean, I have never found myself saying “hey you know what would go really good with this suit, a football helmet and a clown nose.” That displays just a fraction of the logic behind your current outfit. Think of the danger if this fashion trend spreads to neighboring states and countries. Think of irreparable damage this will have on our eastern block countries. Since the fall of communism they were slowly learning to dress as if they were not threatened at gunpoint in a manner that wouldn’t get you laid at a Star Trek convention.

            This problem needs to be addressed over terrorism any day. Think of how much better life would have been if we stopped that first person with a mullet. Oh believe me, if I could pull some wicked assed evil T-1000 kinda shit I woulda been pulling all the WWF stunts on out of my bag of tricks. Not that the WWF fighting style is supreme but it would have been the only way to effectively combat this NASCAR diehard that started the trend with a pair of fucked up sheep sheers. Think of how much differently humanity would function. Can you? I mean really, imagine a world where Sammy Hagar served you fries and you never had to see him do aerial kicks. Imagine a time where David Hasselhoff would have no competitive edge for his superior mullet and awesome Trans-Am? This, not arms reduction, is where our country should have gone. The nukes should have been saved for people dressed like idiots. 

            Since this whole nuking idea is considered, I dunno “illegal” we must take other actions to curb such behavior. If you see an Eskimo wearing Nike’s scream “sellout” at him/ her. Next hire buff ass lesbians to enforce the whole “no dressing like an Eskimo” rule. Shortly after this we need to hire Eskimos to give guilt trips at any retail store selling such fashion fuckup attire. We need to urinate and bark at the shoes of anyone non Eskimos. Lastly we need to enforce negative Pavlovian responses to wearing such shoes. “Nice shoes, wanna fuck an Eskimo,” I found to be particularly effective. We must do anything that will save the ways of the Eskimo foot attire.

            Not only our culture but the culture of the hunter gatherers is now in jeopardy. The survival of the dwindling Eskimo and other subsistence hunters depend on these shoes. I guess you are just large enough of an asshole to take their shoes away now. I mean you already purchase their land for like 12 beads and 5 sticks of chewing gum then followed by the great idea of polluting Valdez. You’d probably be burning down their villages while punching village elders in the face right now if it were for the fact their houses weren’t made out of ice. So punch away shitheads while continuing with your shit ass fashion. Just don’t get pissed at me when your past comes back to haunt you like David Hasselholf in Knight Rider reruns.

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            Hollywood, you got to love it for turning the most complex plot into nothing but a five second fecal fest at the end. No matter how good the movie you always can see the ending a mile away. Shawshank Redemption, absolutely one of my favorite films, but who didn’t see that ending a mile away? Did anyone honestly think Tim Robbins would be all like “hey, yah, thanks for that hammer thingy. Uh, yah,…. I guess I will see you around even though I had a great connection with you and no family remaining.”

            That’s why I am all about 12 Monkeys and Fight Club. 12 monkeys and Fight Club kicked ass because they violated every conventional norm of how a movie should end. If they did it Hollywood’s way we would see a love triangle of grab ass or 12 monkeys seeing the bad guy getting caught. This however is not how most movies end. I am going to drop just a couple suggestions to Hollywood writers before they risk and mass exodus from their shitty predictable endings.

            Ending 1: guy meets girl. Guy falls in love with girl. Guy, somehow is not aware that girl will be leaving on a plane the next day even though he knows her so well and wants to marry her. This of course is combated by our lead character arriving at her arrival airport before her. Of course in typical Hollywood fashion this is followed by a big kiss with the camera spanning around the two to the crowd of dip shits that I would have easily used as a floatation device in the case of a water landing just minutes ago.

            Non conventional ending 1) Blah blah blah blah, boy, blah, girl, blah. Now, when the guy gets off the plane to see the gal no one in the theater is ever like “wow! How did his plane get there faster than hers considering she took off before?” That would be a good question. (Camera spans to Hans, the gay German Air force Pilot our lead man was fellating for a ride. After all a fighter jet or Concord is the only explanation for our lead getting there ahead of time.)

            Then or lead male says “I just came here to say I am more woman than you will ever be.” (Hands snapping all over the air).  “And with, Hans, I am aiming high.” 

            Non conventional ending 2) Blah blah blah. Guy runs of his plane to catch up with this woman he could never let go (even though dipshit probably had a million clues ahead of time). Guy tells girl everything a woman would want to hear in that particular instance in time. Girl kicks guy in the nuts and says “yah, but I’m still not gunna fuck you.”

            Non conventional ending 3) He runs off the plane to greet his love only to be tackled by a German Sheppard, Customs, Police, Department of Defense agent and linebacker all at the same time. Looks like our little lovebird will be spending some intimate time with the rubber glove. Everyone knows you can’t pull that kind of shit move after 911. You could be freakin nun and pull that shit and you still will end up having your cavity probed more than a Thanksgiving turkey or an abducted Midwest farmer.

            Typical ending 2:  This is the number one shit your pants in euphoria typical Hollywood teen movie ending.  You know the one I am talking about. There is always that cat that is like president of the physics club and somehow ends up having to tutor some dumb jock whose dad owns the entire town. In the process he falls in love with the girl that ends up becoming prom queen. She ends up blowing off the jock in front of the whole audience to dance with the nerd. The end.

            Non conventional ending 1) she blows the nerd off and ends up pressing a restraining order. Nerd ends up getting love in a 5 to 20 year increment in Folsom in the meantime.

            Non conventional ending 2) since the mean jock always has to kick the nerd’s ass so you like the nerd that much more we have to come up with a different ending. Since all nerds are into Dungeons and Dragon’s the nerd busts out the green troll card which is minus 15 on the armor. Of course all in the cluster of jocks in the fight circle erupt in laughter. The nerd snaps and turns into a troll and ends up skull fucking each and every one of them to death. I mean that would kick ass no one would see that coming. It would kick more ass if you slip that feel good scene of the century AFTER your stereotypical teen movie earned a G rating for the Midwest audience demographic. Of course he won’t end up with the prom queen  cause he snapped and skull fucked the prom king slash boyfriend to death. Who really gives an eff though cause the nerd is liberated and only liked the prom queen for her tah tahs anyways. The newly made troll will have ladies all over him anyways. I mean seriously what girl would not want to get it on with a troll. I mean I think about it everyday. There is nothing more badass than a troll. They hold bridges down bridges like it is nobodies business. You see if we really wanted to combat terrorist threats to something like the Golden Gate, all we need people is more trolls not FBI. Listening to the CIA/ FBI/Bush got us in trouble with the terrorists in the first place.

            You see, Hollywood needs to change its shit up and I plan on being the screenwriter that does it. You got an ending you could see coming a mile away, give it to me. Then you won’t see the ending until it like kicks you in the nuts and drops you right there on the spot. The kind of treatment Hollywood writers should have gotten a loooooooong time ago.

CAP

WHY IF YOU NEIGHBOR MARRIES A PERSERVED GENITAL WART IT STILL DOESN’T CONCERN YOU. PARAMETERS FOR YOUR SELF RIGHTOUSNESS: LESSON 1.

            Gay marriage, who cares? The Midwest I guess. I guess since we have moved on from interracial marriages we had to find something else to attack. This is the first lesson to forming parameters to your self righteousness.

Justification for hate 1) “what if they move next door to you”

            Once again, I do not see how this affects me.  Is there some kind of weird gamma gay ray that is produced by only married gay sex when adjacently placed adjacent to some sort of good Christian family household? I understand the whole concept of family morals dissolving if sanctioned gay sex occurs next door. Wait, fuck it no, I don’t understand that either.  If they move next door to you, obviously since their union is legally sanctioned it makes it allot worse. This is just another example of how homosexual the very homophobes that are trying to stop homosexuality are. I mean, never have I looked at a homosexual couple and said to myself “man I bet they have really immoral sex. I bet it is so immoral I should pass legislation about sexual acts that only a fraction of them engage in. We will get around that whole rights thing by saying it is to be enforced (but not really) on both hetero and homosexual couples.”

Justification for hate 2) They are trying to re educate our children to the ways of the homosexual.

            This is very logical of an approach other than there has been no causation or correlation between what is taught and what is assimilated into ones values or norms. Further more this process of assimilation of values comes from the home well before school. This is why the starving Appalachian trailor dweller demographic continues to thrive.

            This logic is harbored by the same people are the ones that tried to stop any ethnic studies in the classrooms earlier. Apparently their original stance against this did not create a new surge of Native Americans who were slowly taking over this country.

Kids are the easiest fear tactic. Anyone going through a nasty marriage breakup knows this and strategically uses the kids to their advantage.

            This has been the classic example of the Oregon Citizens Alliance. Eight ballot measures lost by this Christian Conservative group and they are still active in Springfield, Oregon. http://www.oregoncitizensalliance.org/main.htm and http://www.newswithviews.com/BreakingNews/breaking21.htm

Every single one had to do with removing the constitutional rights of gay people under this cloak. What you have to appreciate about Springfield, Or. Is that is next door to Eugene which is basically Oregon’s Berkeley. Springfield is like Bakersfield. It is either full of middle class Christians or starving trailer dweller demographics. I’m guessing you can guess which town they live in.

            Anyways, their fearless leader Lon Maybon (also once senate candidate) is now is in jail for not recognizing his own client’s constitutional rights. Anyways, here is their website. Apparently they are trying to raise money to get him out of jail. I think I will start a fundraising campaign. I’ll put a little spin on it but I will still generate funds for them.

I’m thinking I will start “project adjacent gay sex for freedom.” That’s right I am now collecting funds to rent a house next door to Lon Maybon’s for a gay couple to engage in “immoral acts” next door. Then we will continue to gather funds until this immoral union of two consenting adults ceases to exist.

Justification 3) “I don’t want to condone this kind of behavior.”

            However, most of these cats are just as willing to bomb abortion clinics, support a war and mandatory death penalties. Enough said there. In addition, I don’t remember straight couples having to go through any probationary period to prove their union. I never recall a period of time in which a gay couple did ever pass this probationary period. So in fact you are not condoning a particular type of behavior. You are in fact condoning discrimination for yourself and condoning similar behavior from your children.

            Now there is one thing we can do here, we can either sit here and take it or the gay people reading this can take a strong stance. I’m calling for a coastal alliance lets start with San Fran., then to Vermont and lastly Hawaii. These are all states that recognize your union. I’m instead of calling for a million man march, I am calling for a million men and women to all migrate to one of these three regions and engage in crazy assed jackhammer between consenting adults. Not any kind of sex, we’re talking acrobatic back flips in bed jackhammer sex.

            In addition fuck up our financial system by buying everything with traveler checks. I mean, if you are in a country where you and your partner are not recognized you must be foreign to this region. Henceforth you shall now pay for everything with traveler checks. Greenspan or the feds won’t know what to do. It will be the biggest problem they have had since the gold coin that I guess consumers feared cause it really reminded where we got all of our property from.  

            The only way you can make the Midwest or any Americans hear you is by hurting them financially. I mean like 90% of them are already starving in trailers. All you have to do is like boycott corn for like a year. They will either like starve and die with a house in foreclosure or have to bend their morals like the Catholic Church does every millennium or so.

CAP

            After viewing both Olympics (the Greek and Mongoloid kinds) I am left with debating which of the two is more “special.” I mean the Special Olympics is pretty special cause everyone is fucking retarded in it. But the Greek Olympics are special because everyone in and outside of the event are even more retarded.  Honestly, how can this event still exist on this planet? I woulda figured that it would have migrated to Uranus by now.

            The Olympics altogether lasts probably an hour (if you don’t include the 5000k race).  The remaining time is filled with the narrator’s verbal game of emotional grab ass with the athletes. I guess every time someone throws a javelin we are supposed to get every smidgen of their mundane existence. Not only that, everyone has some tear jerking story to tell. Fuck them. Honestly. Their life cannot be that bad if they can support themselves throwing an effing spear. I mean if I were to drop out of school to throw spears I would starve. The people that can compete in these kinds of events are typically rich kids. How else can you explain having your own coach since age 3.

            We receive every intricate detail of these pompous terds’ lives with the narrative creativity of the shittiest National Public Radio host. There is always a bunch of common themes presented in the grab ass play by plays. These athletes almost always:

1) come from small towns

2) are in competition even though something incredibly tragic occurred in their life.

3) are trying to prove themselves to someone who recently died.

4) Lastly, the American dream theme reigns supreme.

            I am calling for a total revamp of the Olympics before they are replaced by infomercials. I think we need to alter all the fans, announcers, athletes and rules that govern this event.

            For the fans, I think death is an acceptable occupation. Any people that are waaaaay into one of the sports shall be pummeled by security upon their entrance into the stadium. In addition we will send out flyers stating NASCAR is coming to the Olympics to attract the white trash demographic. White trash fans are the best kind of fan to have. They get drunk in their pickups (“tailgate”) before the game even starts. This means belligerence is completely obtained even before the first pole vaulter enters the field. In addition, if the event becomes boring they will just trash the joint and kick the crap out of each other. I mean have you ever been to a Metalica concert or Football game?  These mother effers are the American equivalent to the soccer hooligans.

            In addition, the fans should not be whimps. People are always saying dumb shit like “I don’t like to look in case they screw up. I feel so bad they did not succeed after 4 years of practice.” Well that kinda defeats the purpose of the event now doesn’t it? The type of fan I am calling for will pimp slap anyone that says this kind of bullshit before they can even finish the sentence. In addition, they will laugh at anyone that screws up. Suicide rates I am sure will go up, but whatever. I mean, you should end it if the shot put is the only thing you life revolves around.

            As far as the announcers go, there is too much to list. Useless talk should be replaced with shit talking about the atheletes. No body gives a flying dook that they help malnourished children in their free time. Give me the dirt. Serio, if we actually gave a crap about someone’s inner beauty the National Enquirer would go instantly bankrupt and porno flicks would care more about the man delivering the sausage pizza and his feelings than crazy jackhammer sex. In addition, we’d all be dating ugly virgins.

            The shit talking should commence the moment the microphone is turned on. A typical dialogue should occur like this:

Bob: Welcome to another exciting event, the high bars. By excite I am not referring to my micro erection I am currently experiencing from watching that 13 year old Slavic boy dismount.

Al: Go fuck yourself Bob. Back to you.

Bob: Alright, I will place that comment in the folder next to the “Al is a horse fucker” file.

Al: Speaking of horse fuckers, our next dipshit up is Tran Se Nguyen from North Korea. A little known fact is that this young man was recruited by his government when he was a Zygote and has been forced to practice at gunpoint until he became good enough to compete.

Bob: True that fuckstick. I am looking at a note Tran slipped to me when you were talking.

Al: What does it say? I’m saying this making the assumption that your tailor dwelling ass can read. You can read can’t you Bob?

Bob: (Crying) What are all of these weird symbols on the page? (Al rips note out of his hand)

Al: Wow, is that blood or jelly from your donut on this note? I can never tell hanging out with a fat piece of shit like you.

Bob: (Throws up into trashcan after successfully binging a whole chicken and bottle of Wild Turkey).

Al: Alright lets look this: (starts reading) “hello my name is Tran Nyuen. I am being held against my will and exposed to a daily regimen of constant beatings with pipe wrenches. Can you please…

Bob: (Cuts him off)… Boooooooring (tosses note carelessly over his shoulder). These athletes are such pre Madonna’s nowadays. Whatever happened to that nice Cyprian girl that was nearly beaten to death by her coaches for losing a tenth of a point for form?

Al: (Chuckles) Oh yah, she died. Serves her right, but you didn’t hear her complain once.

Bob: Al, I think that was because she was dead.

Al: Oh, yah that’s why (continues to chuckle more). Oh wow!!!! Here is the dismount from Tran Se. Wow, how bad could this kid fuck up a cup of coffee I ask you?

Bob: Pretty bad Al. That is the first intelligent thing I have heard out of you since the suggestion by you to bury that Pilipino hooker in my trunk.

Al: (Recalling) Man how that girl could scream.  Anyways, they appear to still be picking up the pieces of shit surrounding where Tran fucked up that dismount.

Bob: You don’t think putting ex lax in his water bottle before he went out there had something to do with that Al?

Al:  Sure did. Are you a fucking communist Bob? I am just trying to fight the axis of evil one shitty gymnast at a time. Desperate times call for desperate measure you fucking terrorist.

Bob: Well it appears Tran Se is begging for asylum from the Olympic judges.

Al: Boy he sure is Bob. I guess fucking up that bad in an Olympic event will get you shot in North Korea.

Bob: That is a public execution I would like to watch, keep checking the internet for that clip. They should of shot that boy looooong ago Al.

Al: True dat Bob. They should of shot him like his pops should of shot him into a napkin the night of his conception.

Bob: Alright, let move on to another event going on that I would take a venereal disease over witnessing. I guess I will have to pretend to enjoy my job until I can change my identity to avoid child support payments.

Al: I tried to warn you about getting married to that gal.

Bob: By “warning me” Al you must mean being caught the day after my honeymoon screwing my wife doggy style in a doghouse in my neighbor’s backyard. Is that how you warn people? Cause if that is the case, I have been warning your innocent looking daughter everyday of her junior year after school.

Al:……………

            You see that is how the dialogue should go down. If they don’t know something, fuck it. Make it up. That is what I do. How else could I end up in jail for jaywalking? This new breed of announcer will be rotated frequently and euthanised when they become boring, something MTV should do with every last one of their VJs.

            Last, I would completely restructure the athletes and rules that are engaged in these sports. Friendly competition would take a backseat to the element of surprise. Everyone has seen the 5000k race. Kenyans always win it though. Always. I say we make them earn it. Nothing makes a man more appreciative of the value of a Gold metal earned more than having to dodge unmarked landmines, lions and venomous sea creatures. These subtleties build character and a fan base.

            In addition, the drug abuse would be strictly enforced. You would need to be under the influence of at least 2 different drugs during the time of competition. Nothing produces excitement in the crowd more than a fencer with a head full of amphetamines and angle dust.  These modifications would not be limited to the athletes but also everyone involved in the process of the event. Audiences, camera people, announcers, commentators, et cetera et cetera.

            The athletes also would have to go over a serious change in image. This “I’m a farm boy from North Dakota who does gymnastics while spreading the word of Jesus” thing needs to get the eff out of my arena. Athletes have to prove themselves like any inmate would have to. Weak athletes will inevitably end up hugging their knees in fetal position on a shower floor like a prison rape victim.

            The profile of the athlete will no longer contain tons of filler like “hometown, residence, et cetera.” This profile will be modified with statistics like “circumference, girth, how many people you’ve killed, number of wild animals battled, person they would like to fight the most, are you on probation, number of children you don’t claim, number that you do claim, et cetera.”

            Also sportsmanship is for lame asses. Athletes will also be encouraged/ trained to punch the face of anyone asking dumb questions. Probation or recently paroled people will be actively recruited. I’ve seen COPS I know those are the fastest running white trash bastards on the planet. Anything can and will be resolved in the Octagon of Death, judges are not exempt.

            Upon completing all of these modifications I believe we can save the Olympics. Stadiums will be flocked to like they did in the Roman Empire. Together we can and we will return the Olympics back to the form of respectability. Olympic officials can contact me via email.

THE SMARTEST POLITICAL AGENDAS EVER DESIGNED TO NEVER PISS OFF ANYONE  AND HOW I WOULD USE THE OPPOSITE OF THEM TO MY BENEFIT.

 I was realizing the other day that every political agenda designed is clearly nothing more than a game of grab ass with your aimed agenda. In the never ending question to gain majority approval the politicians have steadily turned from topics of concern to ones that will clearly win you an election. Anyone can spot the other’s agenda a mile away.

            The War on Drugs, stopping drug addiction, harder penalties on drug possession, tax cuts for newly married, kissing of babies during campaigns, et cetera. These campaign tactics have worked for decades and show no signs of letting up in the near future. This is mainly because you would have to have more fucked up chromosomes than the elephant man to oppose such stances. That is until the Captain came along. I am currently looking for someone to manage my future campaign for a congressional position. Anyone would do, I personally would like to be in foreign affairs committee cause I have always wanted to have affairs with foreigners.

            You see Americans are sick and tired of the same old campaign battle tactics. Of course politicians are against drug addiction, I don’t even know drug addicts that are for drug addiction. In addition, getting tougher on criminals is a fun tactic. This is considering that no criminal is allowed to vote. If they were allowed to vote that might be quickly changed to “I’m tougher on criminals who don’t vote for me.”

            When you conduct a summation of the battle tactics deployed by the average politician they are looking at about a 95% demographic that agrees with them. Eff that 95%, if you decide to become my campaign manager I will make it my personal mission to take the remaining 5% of that and alienate each and everyone of them.

            I don’t give a shit if I win cause I have seen CSPAN on more than one occasions. That is all I need. I would do anything within my powers to avoid a life of complete immersion into CSPAN. While I did so I would enjoy it much more than anything known to man.

            First of I would start it off my punching babies. Everyone kisses them, what the kinda shit is that? You swing your little turd in front of me that sucker deserves a lesson. I mean do you kiss your baby when it runs into traffic or tries to touch a hot burner? Hell no, and that is what a no nonsense man the Captain is. Next off, the war on drugs will be moved to my ass. I am going to show up bombed off my ass, cocaine, Novocain, propane, any thing ending with ane will be my breakfast and the amphetamine family will be my dessert.

I would turn the debates upside down by showing up drunk mooning my opponent while the camera spanned to him/her. In addition, I think saying the opposite of whatever my opponents say would show what a badass I am. I think anyone that says “well Bob that is where I think you are wrong. I believe that would are going to hard on criminals, giving too much money to schools and I say abolish the pension system. I propose taking every cent we have to take drugs out of schools, off the street and in my system. In addition, I will take a strong stand against abortions by eating fetuses. Not that I really care about the abortion issue just think that it would provide an excellent protein source. We are not making enough of meshing of the Church in state, and if you disagree with me I will personally pass legislation for you to go to hell. Lastly Bob, if that is your real name, I am for banning bibles and guns to everyone in the Midwest other than homosexuals in the military.” I mean, who is going to eff with a guy like that. Anyone that passes a “terrorists should not be destroyed but encouraged to reproduce” stance is a badass by my book.

            I dunno I am still working out the quirks of the campaign stances but I think I am off to a good start.

CAP.